The ‘Yiddisher’ Shopkella’s have been Mishuga leading up to Yomtov, and many have not taken orders for the past few days……..and the shouting, kvetching carries on , year after year………. E-mazing that by the time the ‘Shopkellas’ close, everyone is more or less sorted out…….. Shul’s have been advertising like crazy, to get congregants to come to Shul, and may have offered reduced fees, or for nothing…….sign of the hard times that have hit the Beloved Country, and Immigration is taking its toll on the various communities……..
A few minutes before the Kol Nidre (NITE OF ATONEMENT) SERVICE was to begin, the congregation was sitting attentively awaiting the beginning of the service.
Suddenly, the Malchamovitz (Satan) appeared at the front of the congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the Shul was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that G-d's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am ?"
In true Yiddish form, the man replied, "Do you know who I am ?"
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Hapsolutely not" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you without a word ?" asked Satan.
"Be my guest" replied the old man, in an even tone.
"Don't you know that I can cause you profound horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Ein kleinikit" (big deal) was the man's calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid ?" asked Satan.
"A nechtagine tugh" (no way!) said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why is it you're not afraid of me?"
"Because" the man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 62 years!"
My ‘Yomtov Bletter’ is out, and I want to thank Tanya Joss (POP Balloons) and her team for the E-mazing front & back cover….and of course Jason Crouse, who handled all the photography…… Baie Dankie to all the advertisers who help keep the ‘Shabbos Man’ going………..Really appreciated……….
The Rugger Championships really came alive , with the All Blacks thrashing the Bokke 57-0 and I reckon the jokes sent around this past week, were unbelieve….Volumes of them…….a lot were VERY funny, a few clever ones, and of course some ‘shockers’……. Well, I have been warning for many years, that the Bok Rugger that we knew ‘Amolikke Yoren’ is ‘nou verby’, as we cannot get the basics right anymore…….We have such a powerful line-out crew, and yet, we could not even master that, and as for the backline, reckon KES schoolboys have a better one….. Hougaardt, Jantjies, Rhule, and the rest are just not TOP Shpielers…… Methink’s we will do better at home in the next few weeks….. With soooo many cartoons flying around, I have posted a few of the better ones …… http://www.stantgsm.com/category/jokes/5
The wife was counting all the 1p and 2p pieces out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself
"She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of Shmo’s saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twits.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Nineteen Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." (Bless the Irish….)
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.
The Aussies –Puma’’s game was like watching Currie Cup, after that 57-0 Humdinger……. The Aussies and Boks are not playing skilful rugger, and they could both slips below the UK teams……in the rankings………
Not a long letter today as it is Erev Rosh Hashana……and time is short…….. A Gutte Yor to all …………. And may the New Year bring some relief and peace….
The Never Alone musical concert @ the Lindner auditorium was ‘Tukka’ a very good concert, put together by Rabbi Ilan Hermann…… Had a good crowd…
"Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training."
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me."
“Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak.”
'If you can't figure out your purpose, figure out your passion. For your passion will lead you right into your purpose.'
“People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos, is because things are being loved and people are being used.”
The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.
Fame must have enemies, as light must have gnats.
There is a difference between truly listening and waiting for your turn to talk
"All too often, ideals deteriorate into idols."
"The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes." -
A Prayer for the Days of Awe - The New York Times-by the Late Elie Wiesel
A very interesting, high powered tour of ‘Der Heim’ Lithuania takes place end of ‘Movember’…A four day journey from South Africa to retrace Lithuania’s vibrant Jewish heritage and commemorate its destruction. Includes 4-star hotels, Kosher catering, transport and entrance fees. Includes a day for individual travel to family hometowns.** 20TH - 23RD NOVEMBER 2017*
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Bev Cohen’s popular special prayer book, which she created and sold on behalf of the Selwyn Segal, is again available with the same content , called ‘Blessings for Life’.. See http://www.stantgsm.com/category/info/15 …. The book has been sold around the world, and has proved VERY popular………… It is available at the Selwyn Segal gift shop……and Bev Cohen 082-5744770
I attended a lecture session by the CDE (Diabetes Centre) and I must say that it was quite an E-mazing lecture, by some of the top Diabetes Doctors in the business….They reckon that Diabetes is the fastest growing Illness in Souff Effrikka, and it is bigger than the AIDS threat in its heyday……. Their solution is that people must get tested early, to avoid Seriaaaaaaaaaaas Diabetes complications, which usually leads to Cardio Vascular problems, and many other related illnesses…… I call the CDE center in West street, Houghton, “The Johannesburg Jewish old boy’s club”…..
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist,
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face."Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar." (Gotta LUV the Irish..)
“As I understand that this “new” visa has also recently done its rounds on facebook, I thought it would be worth updating your readers on this proposal. At this time, the Bill which would give effect to the new temporary sponsored parent visa, being the Migration Amendment (Family violence and other Measures Bill 2016) is not proceeding and as such at this time the temporary sponsored parent visa has not been introduced. There is also no indication as to when it will be introduced.” Worth looking into what the real position is….Dankie Ivan…..
THE COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER…….
It was around 1970 when Ike Berkowitz broke down in his Valiant station wagon between Bethlehem and Fiksburg.
In mid-July the Maluti Mountains are covered in snow and temperatures are anything but pleasant.
The car was fully loaded with all his suitcases, filled with the items that he sold as he traveled around the countryside, calling on general dealer stores and other businesses. It was 19h00 and a very dark night with no moon visible. Worried to leave the car with all the stock in it alone on the side of a country road, he told his driver Amos to stay with the car while he went off in search of help.
He started walking off in the direction of Fiksburg, some 25 miles away in the hope of finding a farm where he could ask for help.
After walking for about half an hour he spotted a dim light through some mielie fields in the distance. Making his way in the pitch darkness towards the light, stumbling and muttering in the cold he eventually reaches the spot with the dim shimmer of light from an ill fitted door in its frame, shining through.
He knocks and from inside a child’s voice is heard, “ja, wie is dit?”
“Hello - is jou pa hier aseblief?” asks Ike.
“Nee, my pa het uitgestap to my ma ingekom het”
“Ok, dan kan ek met you ma praat aseblief?”
“Nee oom, my ma het uitgestap to my groot broer ingekom het”
“Okay, dan wil ek met you groot broer praat”
“Oom my groot broer het uitgestap to my klein broer ingestap het”
By now Ike is more than totally frustrated and says. “Watter tiepe huis is dit, n mal huis?
“Nee oom, dis die ‘kak’ huis (Toilet)…. (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah….)
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to Hurt!!!!!!
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!' ( Oy Vy….)
Politically, the Drek will never stop, and KPMG is ‘Amper’ ‘Yis Ga Dal’, after there various reports that could have been influenced by the ‘Zupta’s’….. Eishhhhhhh, with Bell Pottinger/KPMG and a few others in ‘Grooooot KAK’, still nothing is happening to the local ‘Galeria’ who have been involved/exposed in the various ‘Zupta’ deals…NIKS…… not sure it can carry on like this much longer…..???????
GOOD YOMTOV from…………
Without your travel agent you are on your own!
The priest asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said: "Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
(Muffled gasps came from the pews as the men in the congregation imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
(Again, the men in the congregation cringe and squirm uncomfortably.)
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
(All the men sigh with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife – the word is sternum. (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah….)
Happy birthday to the official ‘Alta Kakker’ (AK), Stan The Good Shabbos Man, who turns 65 today…..been a l-o-n-g haul, BUT….somehow made it, Erev Rosh Hashanah ….. Quite E-mazing that my Late Mom used to always ‘Huck’ me that I was born on Yomtov, and over the years, I could not remember if it was Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur, or the Special Shabbos, Shabbos Shuva..??? I went passed Ronnie & Alan Kaplan yesterday, and we chatted about it, and Alan confirmed that I was born 1st of Tishrei … My Mom told me many times about how difficult it was to get a Mohel to Lichtenberg in those days, and he arrived before Yomtov and they put him up until way after Yom Kippur …. The Emanuel’s brothers used to do it those days, and the one brother came out….. My Mom was in hospital at the same time as Late Marlene Cooper, whose daughter Ingrid was born on the 18th. Two ‘Yiddisher’ births in Lichtenberg in a week….65 years ago….a life time….. On Sunday I was at Alon Berger’s Chasene, my Chaver Ezra’s Zunnelle……from Lichtenberg
Mazeltov to Lexi (Goldblum) & Alon Berger on their Chasene @ the Sandton Shul …..Mazzies to Ezra & Lel Berger and Hayley Ellen ….Mazeltov to Grandparents
“Tanie” Sarah Berger & Alon & Lexi have been staying in the Cayman Islands where Alon has been seconded, and they are going back after Yomtov…..What a ‘Lebbedikke’ Chasene, and I met up with an old Chavers Zunnelle Darren Bloch, who has been lifelong Chavers with Alon and came from Melbourne for the Chasene….and he brought his partner along Stacy Epstein…What a small world….Stacy’s Dad Paul was at Highlands and his Boet Herbert was in my Class……. Ezra is of course my Homeboy from Lichtenburg and we have been chavers for over 60 years…… His Schvester Beile Green was in my Class……. The whole Chasene was E-mazing, and the Food by Stan & Pete was ‘Lekker’….. The Chuppa Band did an E-mazing Chuppa…… Mazeltov to the whole Mishpocha…. Pictures; http://www.stantgsm.com/
Mazeltov to Chelsey (Dribbin) & Selwyn Stein on their Chasene @ the Sandton Shul…. The Hall looked E-mazing, and it was a ‘Lekker’ Chuppah in the Garden….
Mazeltov to Ronnie & Shelana Dribbin & Alan & Rachelle Stein….. What a small world….Had toothache and had to have a few roots extracted, and Shelana’s brother in Law Michael Selikson, took it out for me yesterday……. VERY professional job……. Mazeltov to the whole Mishpocha…..Pictures; http://www.stantgsm.com/
Mazeltov to the Klass family in Sydney who celebrated a magical milestone- Their Zunnelle Jesse turned 21 & Dad Darren turned 50!!
It was an awesome “Casino Royale” themed party, with family coming from Melbourne (Darren’s brother Lee) & Jo'burg (Darren’s sister Jodi Starkowitz, niece Shanee & mother Rena Klass). Darren’s Dad is Max Klass from Maxi’s Butchery ….Mazzies to the whole Mishpocha….
MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week:
Good Yomtov from Mark Kramer and the Mantis Security Team ………….
General safety and security tips for the community from the CSO…..
Load the CSO emergency number 086 18 000 18 into your phone
Always be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant for suspicious activity in and around your shul
Participate in your shul’s security activities
Report signs of forced entry into your shul immediately, such as broken windows or smashed locks to your head of security and the CSO on 086 18 000 18
Report possible information-gathering in whatever form
If you feel uncomfortable with anyone who is trying to gain access to your shul or who has gained access to your shul, immediately report it to your head of security and the CSO
Inform the shul office, your Rabbi and head of security if you are expecting a guest at a shul service
Avoid congregating in the streets outside your shul unnecessarily
Sadly, as has been seen around the world, vehicle ramming attacks have become a feature of modern day life. Please ensure that you remain vigilant to this possibility, especially at this time of year
Walking in the streets:
Try to walk together in a group at all times as there is safety in numbers
If you are part of a group of women walking somewhere, ask that a male be present to escort your group
Never allow children to walk anywhere alone, irrespective of where they are going
Use well-illuminated and main roads where possible and avoid using secluded paths or shortcuts
Walk on the pavement. If this is not possible, walk on the right hand side of the road facing oncoming traffic
Wear an item of reflective clothing or a reflective belt at night to ensure that you can be seen by passing motorists
Conceal any jewellery or items of perceived value that you may be wearing
Inform your family and employees of any expected deliveries or guests and remind them NEVER to open the gate or door to anyone who is not expected
Avoid leaving your friends and family vulnerable while they wait outside for you. Arrange set arrival times and make spare keys for family members
Lock your doors and gates after letting your guests in and always ensure that your front gates and doors remain locked
Consider securing the services of a reputable and CSO approved security company to protect your home and guests
Never enter your house if you notice any suspicious people or vehicles lurking nearby, as they may pose a threat
May we all be inscribed in the Book of Life and may Hashem grant us a safe and peaceful new year.
FOR ANY SECURITY OR MEDICAL EMERGENCY, SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY OR POTENTIAL THREATS SPECIFICALLY RELATED TO THE JEWISH COMMUNITY OR JEWISH INSTALLATIONS, CONTACT THE CSO ON 086 18 000 18
A ‘Groiser Dank’ to Rabbi Yossy Goldman, for the Yomtov ‘Vort’……….
The Acid Test
On the second day of Rosh Hashanah we read the Akeidah, the story of Abraham’s tenth and final test of faith. Would he actually take his long-awaited, beloved son Isaac, up the mountain and offer him up to G-d?
Before that, in the Biblical sequence, we read the story of Abraham receiving his marching orders from G-d. “Lecha lecha - go from your land, your birthplace, your father’s house to the land I will show you.” Hashem told him to leave all his familiar comfort zones and travel to a yet unknown destination. Eventually, it would become known as Israel, and Abraham was the original one it was promised to. At the time, though, Abraham probably had no idea as to where exactly he was going. But orders are orders and so he went faithfully.
In the end, Abraham’s great trek would be the fulfilment of his calling as the father of monotheism. He would take on the whole pagan world of the time and succeed beyond his own wildest dreams. By the way, I think we take our Biblical giants too much for granted. We fail to appreciate the enormity of Abraham’s contribution to civilisation. What he did was nothing less than to single-handedly change the mindset of the world! Believing in one, invisible Creator was culture shock to the idol-worshippers of the day. This achievement made Abraham not only the founding father of the Jewish people but also the father of all the monotheistic faiths of the world. No wonder a recent study of history’s “100 Most Influential People” ranked Abraham way on top, far above other famous faith founders. He certainly has my vote for the single most influential person in all of human history.
According to Maimonides, this journey to the unknown was the first of 10 tests of faith the Almighty would impose upon Abraham. Yet, the final test, which we read about on Rosh Hashanah, is considered the supreme test. The Akeida, the binding of Isaac, the near sacrifice of the son he waited a century to have, generates far more coverage in Torah, in our prayers, and in the writings of commentary.
Why should this be the case? The first test of Lech Lecha had a universal impact while the binding of Isaac was just between a father, his son and G-d. Somewhere on a secluded mountaintop, far removed from public scrutiny, a personal drama was played out. The journey of Lech Lecha, however, had an almost global audience. Is it not strange that this universal test should not be considered much more important than the personal test of father and son?
The answer is that before we can undertake a universal mission to humankind, we must first understand our personal mission to G-d. Or, to put it simply, before you can change the world, you have to know who you are. If you don’t know yourself, if you don’t recognise your own personal spiritual mission, how can you hope to influence the broader society?
The Rabbis taught, “Perfect yourself before you seek to perfect others.” Obviously, this is not to say that we should not try and teach others until we are perfect ourselves, (so who is perfect?). What it does suggest is that if we hope to have an impact on others, our call must resonate as authentic and genuine. How can we make an impression on others if we are not credible individuals ourselves? A good salesperson really believes in his product. (Even if he may have talked himself into believing it, sincerity sells.)
The legendary Hillel in Pirkei Avot tells us “Do not judge your fellow until you have reached his position,” and an interesting alternative interpretation understands him to mean that in order to judge any person accurately one should first establish what kind of reputation that individual enjoys in his own makom, in his own city and home. (It seems there may be some truth in Jackie Mason’s jesting about the Jewish husband who is a big mover and shaker all over town but as soon as he walks through the door of his own house becomes a henpecked shlemiel!)
Years ago, I came across a one-liner that had a profound impact on me personally. “Every Rabbi has only one sermon – the way he lives his life.” It’s all too true. We can preach from today until next Rosh Hashanah, but if we don’t “walk the talk” and live the game we purport to play, we will leave our audiences unmoved. The most eloquent orators will fail to make an impression if their listeners know that their message is hollow and isn’t backed up by genuine personal commitment.
So while the story of Abraham’s journey and universal mission appears in the Torah and comes chronologically before the final test, in essence, the Akeidah, the Binding of Isaac, reigns supreme - not only because it was the most difficult, but because our personal commitment and integrity always form the moral basis for our mission to the world. At the end of the day, only these validate the man and his message. And that is the acid test for all of us.