Good Shabbos 9 8 2018

Dear All,

The weather is really good in the ‘Ou Transvaal’, and spring is ‘Amper’ here …. Days are really warming up……BUT….today looks like a ‘Biesel’ overcast, with rain in the air…????

Scott had never had sex in his life, so his buddy told him that he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees.

Later that week, Scott's in a room with the girl. 

She takes off her clothes, and asks him, 

"Do you know what I want?" 

Scott says, quite honestly, "No."

She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again.  Again, he answers, "No."

Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the way; we're talking spread-eagle.

She asks, "Now do you know what I want?"

He answers, "Yeah.  You want the whole bed to yourself." (Ag Neeeee….)

The end of the Super 15 ARRIVED, and the final was everything that one could wish for…… It was hard good Rugger, and although ‘WE’ all knew the outcome, days before the final, some expected the Crusaders to ‘moer’ the ‘Mighty Lions’, who played and played, BUT…..just got nowhere…..My continuous criticism of Jantjies over the past few seasons, was really highlighted with his kicks in the ’kassie’ (box) which were toooo predictable and far most times straight into a Crusaders hand and the counter attacks started……, and never stopped…..Surely the coach could see the flaw….???? Just no other Fly Halves around in the ‘Ou Transvaal’…. Malcom Marx had a very good game, and a few others, BUT……..they got close quite a few times, BUT……could not finish…….. The Lions had a lot of possession, BUT….The Crusaders used the little they had brilliantly……….It was a GR88888888888888888 final to watch , and my TEAM, The Crusaders had a dream season, without a loss……. Just don’t know how they manage to breed soooo many E-mazing Shpielers every season…… My 15 point winning margin was not far out ……35-18

The coach is still punting for Jantjies for the Rugger Championship…??? 

Two local rugby teams with a feisty rivalry are playing each other on a Saturday afternoon.

On the day of the match, the weather conditions are absolutely appalling, and as the home team coach is addressing his team, he says. 

Right, gentleman, because of the weather conditions, our main tactic today will be to kick ahead.

The burly cauliflower eared prop puts his hand up and says, Anybodys head in particular ?

( Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah….)

NO RUGGER this weekend….Eishhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..BUT, next week starts the Rugger Championship, with the Aussies playing the All Blacks, and the Bokke play the Puma’s in Durban……. Should be some good Rugger for the next few weeks….

The Protea’s Cricket was quite E-mazing in winning the ODI series after taking a huge ‘Klap’ in the Tests……. And the Batsman seemed to settle down much better and even more E-mazingly, is the fact that the bowlers have managed to get on top…. And our ‘NEW’ Super hero Reeza Hendricks’s , with sizzling century in his debut match helped set up SA’s series-clinching 78-run victory against Sri Lanka in the third one-day international They will definitely play him, over and over again instead of grooming him for the future….. !!!!!!!

A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven.  Upon arrival, she is greeted by Saint Peter with ceremony and honour, and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is being prepared for her.

 She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with the Holy Mother Mary, if this were possible.  Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament.


He knocks softly.  There's a murmured reply from within. 

He opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter. 

Within, sitting in a plain chair, is a middle-aged woman in the garb of the first century, engrossed in her knitting.

The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question.  Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it's OK to ask questions. 

"Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the Mother of G-d, you--a simple woman, I know--but if you could, please, just give me an inkling of what it felt like when IT happened, when the Lord Jesus was born?" 


With a distant look in her eyes and a wrenching sigh……………… 

Mary replied, "Vell,....Ich hob takkeh gevolt a maydel." 

(For the Yiddish-impaired, the translation  is......  "Well, I was really hoping for a girl." .…(OY…….!!!!!!!!!)

The Sokka Season is here!!!!! and teams have been having friendlies to warm up….Quite a few Shpielers look fatigued, after a long season, the World Cup, and now the new season…….. Hopefully the Chosen one ‘Jose’ will try and change tactics, and play much more positive Sokka…..Last season was actually boring, watching the way Manchester United played virtually every league game on defence……

Those in the USofA can get their supply of Biltong, Droe Wors and other Souff Effrikken 'Gerichten' from Joburg Kosher Foods  details at' …...  Running a 30% discount on dried products….

You are not qualified to judge another, until you have walked in his moccasins for a whole moon. -  Native North American 

"Few people have the imagination for reality.”  - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 I suppose our capacity for self-delusion is boundless. - John Steinbeck

Things do not pass for what they are, but for what they seem. Most things are judged by their jackets. Baltasar Gracian

"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault." - Henry Kissinger 

“You’re only given a little spark of madness. Don’t lose it.” - Robin Williams

"Someday is not a day of the week." - Denise Brennan-Nelson

 Water is the softest thing, yet it can penetrate mountains and earth. This shows clearly the principle of softness overcoming hardness. - Lao Tzu

 Be as smart as you can, but remember that it is always better to be wise than to be smart.  - Alan Alda

 'The inspiration you seek is already within you. Be silent and listen.'  - Rumi 


The US Senate approves $38 billion package for Israel…… 

The Blood River story …. ‘Emess’..??? Quite well made …….

Jeff Rink’s cultural tour …..

Nikki Haley's perfect interview about the UN ……………. 

Son of convicted US spies Julius and Ethel Rosenberg has bar mitzvah at 71 .. 

The Necklace - A Holocaust Short Film… By Matthew Kimmelman (VPKD)…. 

This past Shabbos we had Rabbi Professor Dr Daniel Hershkowitz and his wife

Shimona at Sandton Shul and they were very well received….. Rav Weinfeld – Rov of the Beis Midrash Lev Avroham, a Kehillah in Ramot, Jerusalem was also a guest It has been very ‘Lebbedik’ @ Sandton Shul lately, and this coming Shabbos, Rabbi Dr Akiva Tatz is the visiting Rov and has a whole program over the Shabbos and beyond….…… Busy, busy, before Yom Tov @ Sandton Shul…..See the planned programme at ; 

The 'Koppie' & Mountain climbers, Jeff & Jenni are still climbing every 

'Koppie' & Mountain...     'Gib A Kuk’

Still climbing every “ Koppie” and posting the most E-mazing Pikchaaaaaaa’s on their website  ….. Croatia: Velibit National Park, some lesser peaks, islands, fascinating clouds, all above the Adriatic.

Strange reports of the Vaal River water not being safe to drink..??? An an E-fundi saying that the water management in the ‘Beloved Country’ has Tukka being neglected, and the people in charge don’t have much experience and no knowledge on how the manage the problem going forward the water resources infrastructure is collapsing…

Although the Cape has had good rains, the Manne still say the area is experiencing a drought, and there are many area’s experiencing drought in Souff Effrikka…..and of course the loss of livestock is huge, and even worse is the shrinking of jobs on the farm…. They reckon over 50,000 farm jobs have been lost this year.

It is a known fact that all daughters-in-laws have problems with their mothers-in-laws. Anyway ... One day the daughters-in-laws all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-laws for everything they had apparently done wrong. 

A week later the daughters-in-laws decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-laws ) on a picnic. 

The mothers-in-laws were all in one bus, which was the first to leave. 

On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-in-laws died. 

The daughters-in-laws were devastated but one in particular was more heart broken than the rest. 

Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried. 

Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her:  

"why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that special?"...........................

 The woman replied: "no, she missed the bus!"  (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaah… (Bittere Gelechte)

The elections in Zim-BOB-We this past week, have left more questions than answers, and the call that the elections were not free/fair seem to ring out every time there is an election in ‘Darkest Effrikka'…..except in SA (at the moment)….. The people of Zim are complaining bitterly, that the Mugabe era continues under Emmerson Mnangagwa, the former intelligence chief who served Mugabe for decades before ousting him in 2017, and the violence and attacks on Nelson Chamisa MDC party does not look like ending …. The saddest part of the whole election is they reckon if Zim-BOB-Weans went home from Souff Effrikka for the elections, the MDC would have won it…… If they force a new election, the violence will become unbearable again…..

Eli is a Genealogist of note……….. Eli Rabinowitz – 'Gib A Kuk' at his blog…E-mazing news from 'Der Heims' & The 'Beloved Country'….   ..

Eli is still travelling in ‘Der Heim’ and is in Warsaw at the moment for a genealogy conference

Today is Women’s Day, and it has fallen strategically on a Thursday, which means a L-O-N-G weekend for quite a few ‘Wekkers’….. Somehow, it is just stop start in 

business these days, and the Unions ‘Kleib’ Nachus when ‘Wekkers’ get extra time off, and now that the Financial squeeze has arrived, and the Platinum mines are talking big retrenchments only to be told that the Unions will not allow it….. Strikes continue, low productivity increases and still the Unions cannot see that it is time for ‘Wekkers’ to ‘Wikkel’ (work better/smarter) to get the economy going….. Productivity in the ‘Beloved Country’ is a forgotten goal…..

The Eishhhhhhhhhhhkom saga continues, with the Mumzers, after looting/squandering Zillions, are now threatening Load shedding again…… Yislaaaaaaaaaaaak, enough is enough…..surely there must be a few good men in the Country that they could put into Eishhhhhhkom, to sort them out….. Methinks a big factor is that the Mumzers want more money from the public, through increased tariffs……??? And until they get it, they will continue with the threats……. And we not even talk about their striking ‘Wekkers’…….This past week, there were threats of load shedding…..not sure if they were implemented, as it does not get reported as there are just tooooo many other important issues, like the ongoing ‘Gunavis’ in all sectors….Government & Private……….

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. 

"If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." 

"Sorry!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." 

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t all over her hallway carpet. 

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." 

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because Eskom have cut the electricity for load shedding!!!!" ( Eishhhhhhhhhhhh kom)

Pat Berman has started the most UNIQUE wedding registry, and it is totally different to the NORM…… “ Gib A Kuk” at 

 This is the ultimate wedding registry ….. ‘Rapistry’ has it alllll …….they assist you in choosing gifts and how to convert gifts to cash, etc, etc…’Gib A Kuk’

What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?  ………… A desserter.

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" 

The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?' 

The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? 

The mafia wants either your money or your life... The wives want both!

Marriage is like a public toilet … those waiting outside are desperate to 

get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

It takes a thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country…

But just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid! (Shiksha)…….

Did a Locum @ the Horwitz / Druker Chasene…….. Have not been out there for years, and the weather was GR8888888, which always helps make a good Simcha……. They have really expanded the Original venue and have quite a few rustic Halls on the property, and even the old horse shed has been converted…… Did Simcha’s there ‘Amolikke Yoren’ when Matthew Stubbs was the Manager, and they tell me he owns the property now………since those old days, they must have 30 Simcha venues in the area, BUT….. Methinks that Oakfield has moved with the times, and are always fixing and adding…….Very good going….. Mazzies to Jessica (Druker) & Darren Horwitz….. I have known the Horwitz family for 40 years, and know many of the extended family also…….. Groiser familia…….. The Druker’s I met when their daughter, married my ‘Cuzzie’ the Pantanowitz’s  Zunnelle Adam……. Was Tukka a ‘Lekker’ vibe at the Chasene, and the Hall looked so fresh, the décor having been done by my ‘old’ S & P Waitress, Robyn Kay…… Mazeltov to the whole Mishpocha…….. 


How do you write 4 inside 5?

Mathematician: How do you write 4 inside 5?

Chinese: Is this a joke?

Japanese: Impossible!

American: The question's all wrong!

British: It's not found on the Internet!

Jewish: Very simple..... F(IV)E

This is the reason Jewish are everywhere in the world:  in finance, business, medicine, engineering.... anything to do with using both sides of the brain.  ( Otazay….)

The Youth division of the Chevra Kadisha-Helping Hands ran their annual POKER evening at Houghton Golf Course and it turned out to be a Groiser event, with 500 Shpielers attending…… These evenings are very ‘Lebbedik’, and the Manne enjoy it very much, and at the same time help raise funds for a VERY good cause…. Thanks to my ‘OLD’ Chaver Mike Lanesman who also does Simcha photography for sending me some ‘Lekker’ Pikchaaaaaaaaa’s 








Anne Sclar's saying for the week….. Travelworx ;

Obstacles are things that people see when they take their eyes off their goals …

Van Der Merwe picks up a copy of the ‘Old’ Nationalist Newspaper, The Citizen and says; How much to the vendor. He replies R5. Van says; It says R3 on the cover…

Reply; Don’t believe everything you read in the papers ..(Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…)

Ginsberg never pays his bills and is seen bargaining with a supplier.

"Hey, Ginsberg," Goldberg asks him, "why are you knocking that man's prices down ? You're never going to pay him anyway."

"Listen," answers Grinsberg, "he is a nice chap. I just want to keep down his losses!"

The Land issue threatens to cripple investment in the Beloved country, and even worse is the uncertainty of what is going to get expropriated….. And how..??? Over the past year, the EFF (Everything For Free) have been ranting, and the ANC, which has just lost ‘it’, has no idea how to tackle the issue, and as Justice Malala says, they are making ‘silly’ announcements, not really knowing in which direction they actually want to go…….They also realise that the Land issue is a very powerful way to attract voters, and just like that ‘Schmo’ Zuma, want to be popular again …… In his last days, Zuma blessed us with the burden of free education just before he ‘shmitzed ‘ and going forward, it is going to weigh us down….BUT…..nobody seems to care…. The ‘Buffalo’ has indicated since the December conference that Land redistribution would be done sensibly, and now he seems to have changed course with a Zuma Style (late night) announcement that they will go ahead…..again no one has any idea HOW….???? And if it is a free for all, it is Tukka the end…………with no investment and productivity from the land, which equals a VERY weak economy 

A guy walks into a parrot shop and asks, “How much is that parrot?” 

“It's $5,000,” replies the store owner. “Why so much?” 

“Well this parrot knows the Talmud by heart.” The shopper was impressed. 

“What about that parrot?” he asked. “It's $10,000.” “Why so much?” 

“Oh this bird knows the Talmud and all of the major rabbinic commentaries.” 

The shopper notices a platinum cage and asks “how much?” The owner says, “$100,000.” “Wow!! What does that bird know?” The shop owner replies, 

"I have no idea but the first two birds call him ‘ Chazzan’”!!.( No business like show business) 

Chappies.. Did U know ………. %20fascinating%20story/5408

56% of typing is completed by your left hand

Did you know Niagara Falls could fill 4,000 bathtubs every second 

The case of Janus Walus is quite E-mazing, as he has physically sat for 25 years, which is unheard of in the NEW Souff Effrikka, and although he was granted parole, it was squashed … I know he and Clive Derby Lewis planned to kill Chris Hani, which was a GR88888888888 tragedy …no question….BUT….in the end, there have been a ‘Zillion’ murders, and not one has taken this route…..There are soooo many bitter families, who see multiple killers walking free after a few years, BUT…. 25 years is huge, and in his latest application of parole, he has asked to be deported….Surely the time has arrived to treat him fairly….?????? 

Gerald David’s Taxi Service is available for reliable and friendly airport shuttles and more. Contact Gerald on either 082 907 5507 or 011786 6580 (The ‘Yiddisher Shlepper’) ……….  

FOR the MOST 'Jacked up' 'Yiddisher' Wedding registry, 'Gib A Kuk'   at;    …… Online Helpdesk … 0861 772 665

Mazeltov to Gavin and Liane ( Lurie) Dick on the birth of a son, and to the grandparents Cedric and Rhona Dick, and Ruth Lurie…..and Ruth is the Schvester of Yvonne Kaplan….(Small world).. Gavin’s Schvester Melanie is my Einingkels teacher at Minnie Bersohn……Going back 25 years, I remember sitting with Rhona & Cedric at Dorothy Samson’s Chasene @ the Cape Sun……Mazeltov to the whole Mishpocha

Sincere condolences to the Rosin family on the loss of their Beloved Solly….. Solly’s daughter is Vivienne Sacks, who is married to Trevor who has worked with us for the past 30 years doing Simcha Photography……. Solly was originally from Klerksdorp where there were 3 Rosin/Rosen families…….. Sincere condolences to the whole family……

Sincere condolences to the Herman family on the passing of their Beloved Jack…..Jack was originally from Germiston and I remember doing Simcha’s for them ‘Amolikke Yoren’…his daughter Charmaine is married to Saville Paiken who was at Highlands with us …. Sincere condolences to the whole family.



MANTIS SECURITY TIP (Call 011- 487-1000) of the week;

Another reminder on Mobile phone contacts…..

A lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet... Etc... was stolen.

20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him

what had happened, hubby says 'I received your text asking about our Pin

Number and I've replied a little while ago.'

When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money

was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone

To text 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within

20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account.

Moral of the lesson:   Do not disclose the relationship between you and the

People in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby,

Sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc.... And very importantly, when sensitive info is

being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling back. Also, when you're

being text by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call

Back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don't reach them,

Be very careful about going places to meet 'family and friends' who text you. 

Important to note that when putting those large dustbins on the pavement for collection, always separate them, as they offer good cover for the ‘Gunovim’ 

Call; Mark Kramer @ MANTIS (011- 487-1000) for advice and sign up and discuss it with his experienced staff. 

Have a peaceful, restful Shabbos...From Stan and the Clan 

Eerbare Makelaaaaaar van Suid Afrika ………

Cell- 082-4547860

Rabbi Yossy Goldman,’                                                                                BH   
Sydenham Shul,
C/O ‘Beloved Country’

                                                  The Tests of Life

Will the real prophet please stand up? There are false prophets out there, always have been. Way back in the Bible (Deuteronomy 13), the Torah was already warning us that we would encounter individuals who looked like prophets. They might even seem to make miracles like prophets but, in truth, they are really false prophets. 

But why would G-d allow a false prophet to make a miracle or do wondrous things that are really impressive? (I mean, you’ve got to admit that walking on water is pretty awesome.) The answer, says our Parsha, is that G-d is testing us. If we really and truly love G-d with all our heart and soul then we won’t be impressed by any fancy wonders or miracles. The acid test will always be, does this would-be prophet encourage us to follow G-d’s laws or to ignore them? And if this “prophet” is not faithful to the word of G-d then he is no prophet but an imposter and a false prophet.

So how can a false prophet look so awesome? Because it is a test of faith for us. 

If you think life’s tests were over when you finished school, guess again. There are many tests in life and they can be much more difficult than chemistry or physics. And there isn’t that much homework we can do to prepare for these kinds of tests either. 

Poverty is a big test of faith. Even affluence can be a test that’s tougher than we think. Failing health is no easy one and tragedy is worse. Every individual faces his or her own unique tests and challenges. We might wish the other fellow’s tests upon us but our tests are ours and ours alone to deal with. What tempts one person may not tempt the next. What is difficult for me might be simple for you and vice versa. If we remember that the challenge of the moment is, in fact, a test we might be better able to handle it and pass the test. 

But we don’t always realize that this may just be our very own personal, spiritual challenge, perhaps even the most important one of our entire existence. We don’t necessarily appreciate that our souls might have come down to this world for the express purpose of passing these tests. 

So we rationalize.

If there is a G-d in the world where was He at Auschwitz?

If G-d didn’t intend for me to take the money, why did the boss leave the cash register open? 

If this relationship is wrong, why does it feel so right? This poor woman is locked in a loveless marriage. Isn’t she entitled to a little happiness? Shouldn’t I be there for her? 

If G-d really wanted me to keep Shabbos, why is my biggest turnover on Saturday? 

If a yarmulke was meant for me to wear, why am I bald? I can’t even find any hair for the darn clip!

But if we accept the concept of a test of faith then it becomes easier to deal with the challenges, as formidable as they may be. 

The question remains - why does G-d test us? Is it really to know whether we do, in fact, love G-d with all our heart and soul? Doesn’t G-d know all that already? How will we enlighten Him one way or the other? Is there anything G-d does not know?

The answer, according to Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi in his classic Likutei Torah, is that it is not for G-d to know but for man to know. Of course G-d knows. But He deliberately places tests and obstacles in our path so that when we overcome them we develop and bring to the fore the inner, latent love of G-d that was always there inside our hearts and souls. We are stronger after conquering the hurdles than we were before we faced them.

When we pass life’s tests we discover that we do have that inner strength after all, that we really are believers who are profoundly connected to G-d and that our commitment is true and genuine. In passing life’s tests we become more confident in our own moral strength and enriched and ennobled with a higher awareness of G-d. 

We don’t go looking for tests. Every morning in our prayers we ask G-d to lead us not to temptation. But if it does come our way we must appreciate that it is critical to our success as moral human beings and as committed Jews that we face up to the challenge. 

May we never be tested? But if we are, let us remember that it is a test. Please G-d, we will pass with flying colours.